The Class of Australia'07 - The Bowlers

The batters did no damage to my assessment during the brief outing they had against Victoria. Taklya did nothing to justify his inclusion in the side let alone in the boxing test at the MCG. But who knows...he might still play and then blast Clarkey and Co. First things first, let me complete the batting review with Dhoni of Om Shanti Om fame.

MS 'KS' Dhoni: Err...the KS is for Kitchen Sink that Dhoni throws around every now and then at the ball during each of his outings. KS is also for K.Srikanth, the original slam bang batting hero from down south...well at least in my memory ...CK Nayudu some say... I don’t know...never saw him bat. (Wikipedia suggests he was from Andhra). KSv2 is bigger brute with the bat than KSv1 and the other welcome difference is that he seems to be less likely to throw his wicket away just as he throws the ...well...Kitchen Sink at the ball. This will however be the acid test for his batting ....ahem....skills. It is quite likely that he might prove to be an acid test for the metronomic Stuart Clarke as well! In any case KS is a welcome no 7 in our batting line up and can teach the opposition ...especially Stuart Clarke a thing or two about aggression. Go on KS do a quick gun Murugun act for....well...Deepika.

Bowlers now. Not much to write about. Gangools thinks we have a better preposition this time around. Beats me why.

Zaheer 'Zaki' Khan: Better than ever before but still not the best of the breed. Ponting and Gilchrist love to rip him apart. So does Hayden. I sure so will the rest of the Aussies. Zaki is very temperamental. He can bowl very good bouncers and would love to see him bowl a few to the Aussies...i.e. if our batters permit. When challenged he can loose not just his head but also his line and length. I.e. provided he got it right to begin with. He can take a few crucial wickets but nobody in India will bet on him to run through the Aussies and win a match for us. I will take those few wickets and hope he values his own wicket more than he usually does. I sincerely believe that as much as the wickets he takes, we will also need him to score a few runs and delay the proceedings with the bat.

RP 'Rip' Singh: He can be genuinely quick at times. But he is a relative unknown to the Aussies (as much as he is to me). He too can take a few big wickets but wayward too. I can only hope and pray that he gets everything right this time and takes a couple of 'fifers'. He has to ...if we are to win anything like a session if not a test against the Aussies. What little I saw of him indicates that he can rip any side when fully fit. Let it Rip RP or we can let our chances of taking the battle to the Kangaroos RIP.

Irfan 'Chakram' Pathan: He was supposed to be India's Wasim Akram with his pace, yorkers, swing and where are we today? Well our Akram has lost a few yards, the accuracy as well as the Beckhamesque in-swinger ....in fact he has lost his way and is now perilously close to go the Agarkar way. He has shown that when pushed he too can loose his head and bowl like a Chakram. Should Gangools get injured we should play Chakram...I will bet on him to average about 25-30 with the bat and give us a better bowler in bargain

Ishant 'Crouch' Sharma: This grossly underfed lad reminds me of Peter Crouch of Leverpool and England. This chap cannot last the rigors of a test match. Can he? He not really fast or is he?? He cannot be trusted to bowl accurately against the marauding Aussies...they look to dominate from the word go so will he be up to the task??? The selection committee on tour must answer these questions before they choose to play the only right arm trundler (just for the sake of offering some variety to the opposition) in the team. For all other purposes we have Gangools to do the honors.

Harbhajan 'Bhajji' Singh: Our chucker was the highest wicket taker on the last tour if memory serves me right. When on song he is only half a Saqlain Mushtaq who to my mind is the best off-spinner in the world (the great Murali is made of different things and cannot be compared). The current lot of Australians is stronger in the mind as compared those we last toured. Still it will be interesting battle between Bhajji and the Aussie southpaws....I hope.

Anil 'Jumbo' Kumble: Jumbo is our best bet on any wicket. He is no Warney in that he does not spin the ball too much and instead relies on a unique concoction of accuracy, top spin, wronguns, bounce off the wicket and well...plain simple medium pace. On a helpful track he takes no prisoners as the Pakistanis discovered at the Kotla. He is a gritty fighter and a bowler with an indomitable spirit. The Aussies have been known to master the art of mental disintegration. Often they employ the strategy to demoralize their rivals by meticulously targeting their captain. They may not give Jumbo any or many wickets but here is one bowler that will never bow down before the collective might of the Australian batting. If anything employing such a strategy against Jumbo on his last tour down under will prove to be counterproductive.

To sum up -

India struggled to find an opener of Gavaskar's caliber during his heyday and the search continues to this day. The middle order that came to the fore in wake of the Sunny days has entered the twilight zone. Still there are others in this batting lineup that is capable of some stirring performances that will set the Border-Gavaskar trophy afire. Gavaskars and Borders of this world are irreplaceable. Comparing the two sides man to man Australia has an edge with better openers as also a younger, fitter and more solid middle order. So 1-0 to Australia

Our bowling while less fearsome than that of the Aussies could spring a surprise if they play to potential but to win we have to play above it. The Aussie attack is very good even without Warney and McGrath but not great. The Aussies have an edge in the pace department. But I am yet to see a batsman who can play quick bowling as well Gavaskar and Steve Waugh did. So Rawalpindi Express is just a fat boy who had his lunch stolen. It is this Australian strategy of playing just four strike bowlers that was one of reasons we almost pulled off the impossible the last time we were in Australia. It is still 1-0 on this count then.

Cricket history will never be able to do justice to the contribution of work in the outfield to Australia's success. Without a Mark Waugh or Mark Taylor in the slips, Warney and Pigeon would not be the same. That Punter's side has been more successful than Mark Taylor's or Steve Waugh's side suggests that the Aussies in the field today are better than ever before. If there is a wide gap between the two sides it is here. A run-out here...a stunning catch there...a few diving stops to save a certain boundary and what is very good bowling attack can suddenly or easily become a great bowling combination....a winning one at that. So 2-0 to Aussies.

If it comes to a point where we are in a position to win a few sessions and get to a situation where the Aussies have to draw or save the match... I will trust the umpires or rains in Australia to stick it in our back. So 2-0 to Aussies on the final count.

The Class of Australia'07 - The Batsmen

Kumble believes he has the batsmen to take on the Aussies. Aussies will continue with their strategy of using four main bowlers to take out the opposition. Whatever Kumble believes I trust the Aussies to ensure that the main opposition threat (batting and bowling) will be neutered. If required by the high priests of modern cricket, duly certified and appointed by the ICC; otherwise known as Umpires and Match Referees. I am not proposing a conspiracy theory here for this now is an established fact. No host nation is above such tactics but only some claim to have the moral high ground on this issue. No umpires are above such mistakes but only the few anointed ones. The supporters of technology, where it is available, find voice only when the foot is on the other boot. Also such 'human errors' against touring batsmen are somehow more discussed and debated as compared to those against touring bowlers.

Be that as it is. Let me log my views about our Class of Aus'07. Will this class be able to shrug off the obvious disadvantages of a touring side and compete? Will they be able to defy the pundits, ICC rankings, form book, recent history and even common sense to complete the Mission Impossible??

Dinesh ‘ Dick’ Karthick : We need that extra pair of gloves while on tour. As an opening batsman he seems to be as adept as Sonia Gandhi is with our national language. He had to be dropped down the order and allowed to complete his fifty so that his selection for this tour could be facilitated. Poor Parthiv ‘PeePee’ Patel had it all including buttered gloves during his short reign. What he lacked now was the selectors confidence.
Weakness: Plays too many shots away from the body. Does not allow the ball to come under his head for drives.

Wasim ‘Jaffa’ Jaffer: Jaffa is doing well but not well enough. I believe that ‘lazy elegance’ will be replaced by plain and simple ‘lazy’ given the wickets in Australia and the quality of opposition. Weakness: Trifle slow and candidate for LBW. Plays the square shot a little early and stays inside the crease.

Virendra ‘Butcher’ Sehwag: When he first arrived on the cricketing stage his supporters insisted he is a Tendlya clone. After some very successful acts of butchery he was proposed to be better than the real thing. Very quickly though, it all went pear shaped for Tendlya the clone and he became Taklya the Butcher of Najafgarh. Only the Pawarful @ Board of Corrupt Commedians of India can tell us how Gautam ‘GeeGee’ Gambhir got injured and the Butcher was selected. One thing is for sure; on his day, the Butcher of Najafgarh, in spite of his 13 run average in the current domestic season, can make mincemeat of the Australian attack.
Weakness: Bats without any real footwork. Slippers will be in business if he is not LBW

Rahul ‘The Wall” Dravid: He once said that Gangools was God on the off side. This studious fellow has made batting his business and indeed treated it as such. The way he conducts his trade of choice will find parallel in the world of business. Read any of the popular management books and biographies. You will see what I mean. Today, I believe Dravid is God on the offside. Expect the opposition to target him with everything they have got including the high priests.
Weakness: He mutates and morphs into something else the moment you thing you have read his mind. Count on him to try and not repeat a mistake. Recent dominance on off side or preference opens up vulnerabilities on the leg side - tends to fall over while facing the incoming deliveries.

Sachin ‘Tendlya’ Tendulkar: He is not the same lad who impressed the Don many years ago. But he can still instill fear in the hearts of the opposition. As far as the Mumbai school of batting is concerned he seems to be our Last of the Mohicans. I wish he does well for all of us but above all for himself. The Greats need to go out with grace.
Weakness: So many runs and yet no answer to the off spin and/or the fast incutter.

Saurav ‘Gangools’ Ganguly: I was his die-hard fan once. Not anymore. But there is life in the old dog yet as Ian Bishop said and I am happy for him to do as well as he is doing now as an India supporter. I would love to see him score heavily against the Aussies. A ‘payback’ is in order for all the insults Aussies have been heaping upon us over the last decade and more. If I have to bet on any one of our team to deliver on that score and even go beyond mere settling of scores and smack Ponting’s face, it has to be Gangool’s. It cannot be disputed that he together with The Wall, Tendlya and Kumble is one of the four Aces - or the Four Musketeers if you like – of Indian cricket over the last decade. Go for it Gangools.
Weakness: God on offside? Well not really against some genuine fast bowling. Slippers and forward short leg would fancy a catch with him at the crease

VVS Lax(ative)man: Laxativeman is held in high regard by the Aussies. I have been hit by a leather ball exactly where Laxativeman was hit by Shoaib Akhtar in the Bangalore test. from my own painful memory of that day I believe the Aussies will rest easy now. I don’t expect Laxativeman to play in this series given this injury. But who knows, if an injured GeeGee can play in Bangalore test, so can Laxativeman in Australia.
Weakness: His sound technique does not discount a catch to the slips against an angled delivery coming round the wicket. And remember the elbow injury? Aussies will have noted it too and will try to exploit poor control of the bat by the top hand. Expect a few in the rib cage Laxativeman.

Phew... need some rest before I log my first thoughts on the rest of the lot!

India v Pakistan : Big Bang 2 Indian attack blown away

The final test for India before the acid test with Australia is heading for a draw. Pakistan with three bowlers fared much better than our four. Debutant Yasir Arafat showed more promise than the lanky Ishant Sharma. Arafat is at this moment doing a repeat with the bat. If Kaneria was bad where does one put the bowling performance of Bhajji and Kumble? That Kumble had to resort to sleding to get rid of Mohammed Yousuf said it all. Kumble has hit a century with the ball with only the wicket of Yasir Hameed to show for his efforts. Pakistan's opening woes parallel that of our own and Hameed showed that he like Dick has learnt nothing from his past mistakes.

Good batsmen learn from their mistakes and develop. Some develop into great batsmen over time. Dravid was not the Wall when he first came into the side together with Gangools. Batters like Gangools make up for their weaknesses through sheer grit and perseverance. Dick and Hameed need to look at these giants if they are to succeed.

Back to our bowling - Bhajji was pitiable. His sad face and frustration (pity the chaps who get to hear from the field microphones) made it even more painful for me watch his dismemberment at the hands of Younis, Misbah, Akmal and now Arafat. I had enough. We have also set a world record for extras (perhaps) and the pitch is not entirely to blame for the misdirected bowling or the high number of byes. It lacked both line and length. It was both spinless and spineless. It lacked imagination as well as any purpose.

How on earth are we going to bowl out the Aussies twice if we can't bowl out Pakistan once?

India v Pakistan : Dick is out!

Caught behind once again!!!! Need I say more?

BTW he was plumb LBW to Sami, while playing on 7!!

India v Pakistan : Big Bang

As we prepare for the last test against Pakistan and then for the Australian tour, it is clear that India needs the next generation of Tendlyas, Dravids, Gangools and Kumbles. It is hard to spot any in the 24 named in the probables list for Australia. Except one Yuvraj Singh.

Yuvi came in for an injured Tendulkar in the Bangalore test match and exploded just like Tendlya would have at 61 for four. Yuvi gracefully took the fight to the opposition with wonderful strokeplay against a spineless Pakistan attack. He had a positive effect on Gangools as well and it was an amazing rate of scoring by India thanks to Yuvi! The days total was a test match equivalent for any Bollywood film's highest opening day collection at the box office. One hopes and prays that Yuvi's good form continues in Australia as well. It is about time he takes on a leadership role in the next generation batting line-up for India. The Pup is already doing that for Australia. Michael Clarke has been named the captain of the Aussie T20 team.

Gangools clocked 150 while I write this and I must say he gets full marks for sheer determination and thick skin. I want to see the last of him in any form of cricket but I do admit if anyone can stand up to the marauding Aussies it is he. It will be good to see him go travel to Australia, scratch out a few fiftees and then retire for good.

On the first day Jaffa and Laxativeman perished to balls that kept low and Dick would want us to believe that he plonks his foot forward, with his toe pointing to mid-off, because of this reason. The problem is that he does so for every single delivery. For all his spunk and bold mannerisms, on the scoreboard and in terms of technique displayed in this series Dick looks like an ordinary punk. Sehwag will be missed in Australia. Not his lack of solidity and technique though. Scoring any number of runs against Kaneria, Sami and debutant Arafat will not have any impact on my opinion about Dick.

This track looks like there will be a result here. Our score looks like the result will be in our favour.

India v Pakistan : Battle for Eden 3

Battle for Eden ended as a draw. Only 'draw' is not the right word...'bore' or 'eyesore' will be an apt description. I lost interest after day two when I concluded that if Gangools can do it, anyone can.

Our medium pacers still have no clue as to how to get around Misbah's bat and neither do our spinners (if you consider Tendlya and the chucker Bhajji in this category). My last hope was our speedster in disguise Kumble. But he too fired blanks at Misbah. Lawson claimed moral victory for Pakistan who now must be looking forward positively to the last match of the series.

Misbah reminds me of how Zaheer Abbas batted against India in Pakistan decades ago. If memory serves me right, those were the days when Pakistani umpires Shakoor Rana and Khizhar Hayat were at the peak of their prowess. Nothing seemed to get past his bat either and Amul famously launched a billboard proclaiming - Zaheer Ab Bus! ( Zaheer please stop now).

What augurs ill for India is that we can't seem to get rid off Sami even! Something tells me Brett Lee is going do a Gillespie to us Down Under.

Chatrapati and Risk Management

Well... this is one is at least as old as a GlenMorangie aged 10+. Those who tasted the malt and read the orginal poem(?) in Marathi language, claim that both taste better with age!
Please appreciate.....the English version....preferably with a Scotch.

Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
I never take risk while drinking
When I come from office in the evening, wife is cooking
I can hear the noise of utensils in the kitchen
I stealthily enter the house
Take out the bottle from my black cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is looking at me from the photo frame
But still no one is aware of it
Becoz I never take a risk

I take out the glass from the rack above the old sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the glass and again keep it on the rack
Of course I also keep the bottle inside my cupboard
Shivaji Maharaj is giving a smile
I peep into the kitchen
Wife is cutting potatoes
No one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: Any news on Iyer's daughter's marriage
Wife: Nope, she doesn't seem to be that lucky. Still they are lookingout for her
I again come out; there is a small noise of the black cupboard
But I don't make any sound while taking out the bottle
I take out the glass from the old rack above sink
Quickly enjoy one peg
Wash the bottle and keep it in the sink
Also keep the Black Glass in the cupboard
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: But still I think Iyer's daughter's age is not that much
Wife: What are you saying? She is 28 yrs old... like an aged horse
I: (I forgot her age is 28) Oh Oh...
I again take out potatoes out from my black cupboard
But the cupboard's place has automatically changed
I take out the bottle from the rack and quickly enjoy one peg in thesink
Shivaji Maharaj laughs loudly
I keep the rack in the potatoes & wash Shivaji Maharaj's photo & keep it in the black cupboard
Wife is keeping the sink on the stove
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (getting angry) you call Mr. Iyer a horse? If you say that again, Iwill cut your tongue...!
Wife: Don't just blabber something, go out and sit quietly...
I take out the bottle from the potatoes
Go in the black cupboard and enjoy a peg
Wash the sink and keep it over the rack
Wife is giving a smile
Shivaji Maharaj is still cooking
But still no one is aware of what I did
Becoz I never take a risk

I: (laughing) So Iyer is marrying a horse!!
Wife: Hey go and sprinkle some water on your face...
I again go to the kitchen, and quietly sit on the rack
Stove is also on the rack
There is a small noise of bottles from the room outside
I peep and see that wife is enjoying a peg in the sink
But none of the horses are aware of what I did
Becoz Shivaji Maharaj never takes a risk
Iyer is still cooking
And I am looking at my wife from the photo and laughing
Becoz I never take what???

ICL:Much ado about nothing

ICL flopped on debut. I swear on Muralitharan's world record that I did not witness more than two of Andrew Hall's deliveries to some chap called Maddy. I do not know of anyone in my extended circle who saw any bit of those ICL matches on TV or in person. Nice name Maddy. I suppose one really has to be mad to join the circus.
If you go deep into the statistics of Zee TV subscribers.....up the mini skirt as Mr.Sidhu will want to describe it.....do some further hair splitting to the level of viewers per Cable TV subscribed.......then do some more to find out just how many of those viewers (guys who eat, drink and sleep cricket) actually convinced their fellow viewers (mothers, housewives, sisters, parents, grandparents, children who love all kinds of soap all with all its accompanying froth).......convinced them that ICL was THE EVENT to watch.....I am sure we will end up with only one person who actually suffered the event on any one of Zee's 25 odd channels including Zee Sports, for more than one over. That person has to be Subhash Chandra.

Now I am thinking who, what, how, when and where. The money I mean. How can anyone like SC make any money out of this?

To find the answer perhaps you need to read this article about match-fixing in football's greatest tournaments. Now I know why BCCI is annoyed with ICL and replied in kind by launching the IPL. Now I know why CA was annoyed with BCCI and yet ICC has conferred its blessings on IPL. Now I know why SRK wants to do a Abramovich with a cricket team of his own. Big Moolah is not virtual... I take my words back!

India V Australia : Battle for the Big Moolah

Even before some established legends and those in the making join the battle for the Border-Gavaskar Trophy, another battle is being forced. The one between the Board of Corrupt Comedians of India and Constipated Ass****s. Down Under the constipation disease spreads like that wild fire around Sydney sometime ago. This fire has already engulfed some commentators Down Under (pun intended) and perhaps the real issue for them is reflected by the headline for this article.

Fact of the matter is that this is not a battle for new world order but that for some virtual money. It is just BCCI's IPL responding to the ICL threat. Without going further into the genesis of these two cricket leagues, I dare say that both ICL and IPL have got their market analysis wrong and are therefore bound to flop miserably. The corrupt comedians and the media baron both saw big moolah to be harvested in a country where cricket is a religion. Likewise for the players, some current and some retired an opportunity was presented to make some easy money doing what they love to do or did. If the administrators think that the average Indian cricket fan is going to fall for this and be taken for a ride with some circus cricket for a carrot, they are hugely mistaken. Why? Just look at the success of the domestic tournaments. How many people follow them? How many actually pay to watch them? Well, if the revenue is coming from ads then the joke is on the sponsors. In any case, if Airtel thought that a bucktoothed and a pompous SRK will make me switch service providers they are the biggest losers. All I do is switch channel every time I see him.

So all you constipated scribes and ass....s Down Under...hold your fire. Some stupid circus will not change cricket. If they have nothing else to do, let your cricketers make some easy money rather than play the proverbial dog in the manger. Relax, wait and watch. As for the real change in 'world order', I leave you with an opening quote from the movie Apocalypto, coincidentally a movie made by an Australian -

'A great civilization is not conquered from without until it is destroyed from within.'

P.S: See the Great Civilization at work. Only monkeys will be offended by that push some say.

India v Pakistan : Battle for Eden 2

552-5: The creeps Down Under can't wait to have us there. And on days like these Indian supporters could be forgiven for saying: Bring'em on!

An ailing Akhtar's inclusion in the Pak team, Dick's drive, Doctrove's umpiring and Pakistan's fielding, it was all very pedestrian. With due respect to Jaffa's double ton, there was nothing worth watching or writing about. Jaffa had a good night's rest and yet he failed to take a fresh guard in spirit of a great batsman and perished after reaching an enviable landmark. So did Gangools. Gangools scored his first ton at Eden was obviously pleased with himself at having hammered another nail in Yuvi's coffin. Michael Clarke must be having a chuckle at poor Yuvi's fate. While the creeps groom the Pup for the crown we demote our lad and even keep him out of the side.

Dravid must be wondering what he did wrong. After all, he was far more convincing that Gangools. Akhtar bounced a few to Gangools and Laxativeman and the results will have been noted by Ponting and Tim Nielsen. Tendlya's propensity to play strange shots increases by the day and so does his inability to knock up three figure scores. Still the mother of all cricketing battles will become a farce if India does a repeat with the ball.

There is no need to run down our good performance against a depleted Pakistan but neither should we go over the moon. We have to be mindful of the creeps as also the fact that we will have only ten days to switch over to hard bouncy tracks to face a fully fit champion side.

P.S: Laxativeman completes his ton even as I get ready to post this. And yes Gary Kirsten (henceforth referred to as Baldy) is watching too but I don't think the creeps will miss Warney. His first mistake as a coach if he thinks they will, but I will take Baldy's comments a part of mind game that is a prelude for such major contests.